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by sajah -
version 1.0
(Note to reader: i refer to D/s in terms of male Dominant and female
submissive,
because my point of view relies on my experiences with such.)
In the past 5 years, i have seen the proliferation of a concept among the
D/s community, both online and off, that has caused me some concern. i
first encountered this position on mailing lists, where i saw a
submissive's tag line that read: "My Master and i are peers, to share
our lives in harmony" (paraphrased). It was furthered when i read
accounts of submissives refusing to use honorific speech with Dominants
and demanding that their collaring ceremonies be like weddings. It was
driven home by long conversations with other submissives on the topic of
submission as a "gift". [See the essay] In the midst of an
argument, a girl rather new to the lifestyle blurted out, "But that
can't be right, Doms and subs are equal!" i was forced to stand back
and say, "They are?"
This concept of 'egalitarian D/s' is one that perpetuates a dilution of
protocols and respectful gestures, and, as a whole, takes power from the
Dom and hands it back to the sub. It is a concept that is expressed
passionately to newcomers and vanilla folks as a safety net-to make D/s
look more mainstream. There's a problem with the concept, however. D/s is
not mainstream. It is fundamentally a different type of relationship
(hence, that is why it is a "D/s" relationship, and not a
"normal" relationship). This attempt to force equality among
Dominants and submissives fosters an attitude of self-righteousness in the
submissives, and powerlessness in the Dominants. The result is something
far removed from the authority structure that D/s relationships are built
on.
This power structure is based on a division of responsibilities and
authority. Think of it in terms of a workplace environment-a Dominant is
an effective manager, the submissive an effective subordinate. The Manager
will delegate jobs, instruct and advise, and has the final say on most
issues. The subordinate trusts the Manager's ability to do these things,
and concentrates on the jobs he/she's been given, not having to divide
their attention between the task at hand and big picture decisions-thereby
being a more productive worker. When all is said and done, the Manager
takes responsibility for the actions of both himself and the subordinate
(both positively and negatively). By dividing skills, the result is a
cooperative team. Each party has different strengths and weaknesses, which
is namely why they were hired into their respective positions. To say they
are 'equal' is misleading. They certainly don't do the same jobs! You
could say they both work equally hard, or are equally intelligent, etc-but
their positions are not equal. And it is the same with D/s. Dominant does
not equal submissive, Master does not equal slave.
Many submissives will express to you that their submission is a natural
occurrence. i would second that, from my own experience. The urge to
submit is nothing i had to create (though my Master has cultivated it).
This natural inclination is, at its heart, a need to transfer authority
and responsibility. It is a need to not be in charge on the final level;
striving to be on the right hand of the King, not the King himself, so to
speak. Individuals with personalities like this tend to do poorly in
positions of ultimate authority, but thrive when placed beneath a creative
leader.
It is similar with Dominants. The need to "take care" of things
and people is a trait that many will tell you has been with them their
entire lives. This personality is characterized by being unafraid to take
control of a situation, going above and beyond for the welfare of friends
or significant others, and advancing quickly in the workplace (often in
offices of management).
Understanding that for a large percentage of Doms and subs, these are
natural tendencies, how is it possible to say they are equal? My tendency
to want to care for animals is not the same as a friend's tendency to be
good at athletics. It may be appropriate to say they are equally strong,
or equally expressed. The most suitable term is complimentary for Dominant
and submissive, but not equivalent. It is an insult to the parties
involved, devaluing what each individual excels at. Much of D/s
interactions place heavy emphasis on these tendencies, in formal protocols
and ceremonies, speech and behavior, rules and the consequences for not
following them. This allows for comfort in knowing what is expected for a
submissive, and confidence in abilities for a Dominant.
In conclusion, it can be argued that this popular method of teaching new
D/s acolytes is detrimental. Such teaching disrupts the entire authority
structure of the relationship, usurps power from the Dominant, and thrusts
the submissive into a position of trying to "top from the
bottom." Furthermore, the idea is at its roots, a vanilla concept,
and should not be applied to the lifestyle. Otherwise, we have migrated
away from D/s and are into a different realm altogether. We have also
established that blanket statements about equality cannot be applied to
natural tendencies or personality traits without qualification. The
solution to this is to portray D/s realistically to newcomers, and not
attempt to couch the truth in something more palatable.
For me, i recognize that my Master's rules and regulations are always for
my own good. He keeps exceptionally good care of me, but also expects a
great deal. Because i follow my protocols and work toward understanding my
place better, it allows Him to teach me better. i do not consider myself
this man's equal! His wealth of knowledge and experience is invaluable to
me, as is His mastery over my mind and body. i actively seek the
"unequal." i am a slave, not a girlfriend. i feel comfortable
that i am an invaluable addition to His life, but because of the defined
lines of our relationship-i know where i stand.. err.. kneel. And that is
a gift that means the world to me.
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